wino no show pisses off the French

the French are not amused by wino's no-show. bbc reports:

The organisers of a French music concert are threatening legal action after headliner Amy Winehouse pulled out on Friday with just hours to go.

Rock En Seine said there was "no explanation of the exact reasons for her absence...We are very sorry about this situation and share the disappointment of the festival-goers.".

no matter the reality behind why wino cancelled, it really comes down to one thing: she was unable to perform. hungover, menstrual, too high, sore throat, depressed, sick of everything- we've all had our days when we just curl up in bed and say "screw it". however, when you or i call in sick to work, there aren't thousands of people disappointed by our day of slack.

i wonder what wino's favourite "sick day" movie is? mine is bridget jones' diary. what's yours?

FRENCH THREATEN TO SUE WINO

she be illin'

amy has cancelled her "rock en seine" gig due to illness. her publicist said:

"Amy Winehouse was regrettably unable to perform at the Rock En Seine show in Paris tonight, Friday August 29th, due to illness. She was taken ill at her house and wasn't able to travel to France for the concert."

i'm always suspicious when someone is described as "ill". it's so general- if she had a cold and her voice was affected, they'd say so. i hope for her sake she just had bad cramps and wanted to stay home and is not on the brink of hospitalization. get better amy!

WINO CANCELS PARIS SHOW

i can be very cruel...i have been taught by masters

what is up with all these "polls"? it seems like there's a poll for everything and our heroine is topping a lot of lists these days!

winehouse has been voted "worst hotel guest" and "worst celebrity skin". worst hotel guest is a dubious yet kind of funny rockNroll title, but worst skin is really insulting. yes, her skin is bad. yes, the drugs have obviously wreaked havoc; but is it necessary to shove it in her scabby face? wino, no matter how messed up she is, remains a human being. her feelings i am sure are hurt by the hateful things people say.

i know i joke around on this blog, but i really try not to descend into cruelty. when it comes down to it, i love the winehouse and admire her incredible talent. let's collectively wish her the best, shall we?

WINO'S WORSTS

well done wino: me & mr. jones/valerie, bbc sessions, 2007

wino seems only *slightly* drunk in this performance, which means her voice is in decent shape. yay!

i couldn't decide between the two clips so lucky you, i'm posting them both! me & mr. jones has great vocals, end of story. but valerie is a strange interpretation, as she starts to cry in the 2nd verse. wino must have been thinking about (what else?) her blaaake! she keeps it together, which sadly is more than can be said for her 2008 performances so far.

tuesday sorbet: KATE WINSLET

ah, the winslet. who can say they dislike today's sorbet, kate winslet? she's beautiful, opinionated, intelligent, independent, sassy and one hell of an actress. long live kate!

here is my favourite kate moment of all time, from "sense and sensibility". enjoy!

you talkin' to me?

well slap my ass and call me susan. mitch winehouse has been offered a film role- as a cab driver!

the sun's gordon smart reports:

A film insider told me: 'Mitch has become almost as recognisable as Amy. He’s always on hand when his daughter gets into scrapes...He comes across very well when he appears on TV to defend his daughter and the film’s producers like his charm.'

The untitled project, currently in pre-production, centres around a one-hit wonder in the 1980s and Amy’s dad is said to have jumped at the chance to take part."

mitch jumping at a chance at the limelight? quel surprise!

MITCH WINO, SUPERSTAR

i heart typing "blaaake"

georgette had a lot to say about amy and blaaake to the news of the world, so much so i had to split the article's contents into two posts. that's a lie; the truth is i like to get in as many "blaaake" items in as possible. there is nothing more satisfying than typing blaaake. my pinky finger loves the little dance that typing 3 a's in a row requires. blaaake! blaaake! blaaake! wheee! thanks again, dlisted!

anyway, it sounds like a vacation in blaaake's new cell. georgette says:

“Blake’s been given his own room with an ensuite shower...He also has a TV, CD player and a shelf full of books in his room...He even has his own key so he can lock himself in if he wants privacy...It’s so much nicer than Pentonville, which was the pitts...Edmunds Hill is a really clean and lovely nick...And the difference in Blake since he’s been in there is absolutely amazing...Unlike in Pentonville, no one taunts him about Amy...They are respectful and don’t even mention her name to him...Instead of doing work in prison, Blake has chosen to do an educational course to keep him busy and is doing art and writing...They are preparing him for life on the outside...But he will be very disappointed with Amy’s behaviour...The video will come as a bitter blow to him.”

ensuite shower, tv, cd player, shelf full of books...sounds better than most dorm rooms! my first apartment was a shit hole compared to blaaake's prison mansion. i once lived in an apartment with a tv so crappy it had no remote and you had to stroke it * just * right to turn the volume up/down. and i considered myself lucky to watch fuzzy episodes of the simpsons on sundays. blaaake probably has a remote even though he can reach the tv from his bed.

although i'm pretty liberal, it annoys me to hear about convicts taking advantage of free education in jail when it's so expensive for the rest of us law abiding citizens. but judging from blaaake's sexy fun time letters to a fellow jailbird, he could use some lessons in grammar.

GEORGETTE CAN'T STOP TALKING

you're not hardcore...unless you live hardcore

o, wino, when will you learn to take drugs in the toilet like a good junkie?

a 36 second video showing wino snorting coke at a camden pub last month has been released. in the grainy footage, wino snorts away in the middle of the club, in front of a union jack.

georgette fielder-civil, blaaake's mama, had a lot to say about this. here are some quotes from her latest interview:

“Prison will do Amy far more good than Rehab...I’m shocked by the video. When I look at Amy I think: ‘For Christ’s sake, just get a grip of yourself.’...Enough is enough...As the police know Amy is a drug addict - and she has now been caught twice on film taking illegal drugs - they should arrest her and put her behind bars....Rehab clinics are a waste of money, unless you want them to work...Amy doesn’t want to give up drugs, so she’s got to learn the hard way in prison...Police have to act. She is making a mockery of the law. It has got to stop...The price Amy has got to pay is losing her freedom.”

she also goes on to talk up her angel of a son, blaaake:

“When he went in Pentonville last November he was in a terrible mess. His skin was a horrible dirty yellow colour, he was painfully thin and he had dead eyes. I will never forget that haunted look. I feared we were going to lose him...But they gave him amazing medical treatment in prison to get him off drugs and then helped him conquer his personal demons...It worked a miracle...Now nine months on he looks amazing. He has put on nearly two stone in weight, his skin is glowing with health and he is so relaxed and happy...But while Blake has been inside, Amy has gone disastrously downhill...Prison worked for Blake. It’s the only thing that can now save Amy.”

if wino went to jail, she'd still get high. and i'll believe all this talk of blaaake being a new man when i see it.

WINO'S "COKE VIDEO SHAME" (lol)

tee hee

comedian zoe lyons won the prize for best joke at the edinburgh festival fringe with a one-liner aimed at wino. i gotta say it's witty!

"I can't believe Amy Winehouse self-harms. She's so irritating she must be able to find someone to do it for her."

zoe, upon accepting the award, said;

"I am absolutely delighted to have won the award. I know self-harming is not funny but it's just a joke, so I'm not going to beat myself up about it."

take that, sarah silverman! she'll be pissed she didn't come up with that one!

WINO JOKE VOTED FUNNIEST @ FRINGE

WTF wino: valerie, some london pub, 2008

in order to keep this blog fresh and exciting for all 3 of you reading, i sift through a lot of winehouse material. some days, it feels like i've seen it all and think there can't possibly be any more shockingly bad clips of wino making a sad fool of herself in public.

and then there are days like today.

this clip of wino givin'er with the band is a classic fall down drunk performance. (hey, we've all been there- i know i've slobbered over a microphone at karaoke or in some blues bar in my youth) i'm not criticizing wino for getting shit-faced if she wants to...but she needs to stop getting on stage in this state when everything she does is captured on camera! this is just madness. the last minute is sheer torture, it is cringe-worthy.

after watching the previous all my loving clip, this one makes me want to cry. get some help wino! listen to russell and go to rehab!

well done wino: all my loving, bbc3, 2004

i had to dig way, way deep into the vaults to find something worthy of a "well done wino" post this week. after clearing out the cobwebs of youtube, i managed to find a precious, hidden gem.

"all my loving" is one of my favourite beatles songs. it always struck me as simple, but in amy's hands, the outstanding melody and melancholic lyrics really come to life. the superior quality of her voice in comparison to last week's v fest is extremely depressing, though. it is possible to retrain her voice- hell, cyndi lauper completely lost hers after a year singing joplin and retrained it gloriously- but it will be an uphill battle. perhaps years from now we'll refer to 2008 amy like we refer to 'fat elvis'. shame.

wino's wonderwall

six years ago, russell brand was in the throes of heroin addiction. since attending rehab at focus 12, he's been dead sober. today, he is attempting to help winehouse get clean.

the telegraph reports:

The soul artist is reported to have booked into the small Focus 12 clinic in Bury St Edmunds, where comedian Russell Brand was treated for his addiction to drugs.

It is only 15 miles from Category C Highpoint Prison, near Newmarket, where Fielder-Civil was sent after being moved from Pentonville Prison in London earlier this month.

Her father Mitch Winehouse said: "This is a very good idea. If she can get clean and still see Blake it can only be good."

Two weeks ago it was reported that Winehouse was flat-hunting in Bury St Edmunds to make it easier to visit her 26-year-old husband.

It was then that Brand, a presenter on Radio 2, suggested to Focus 12 chief executive Chip Somers that she could get treatment locally at the same time. Mr Somers agreed and contacted the star.

i hate to be a debbie downer, but can wino really be successful in rehab? being so famous and so under the microscope, can she fully participate in focus 12's group counselling? she must be so afraid of someone selling her out to the tabloids: "winehouse spills secrets! secret cell phone footage!"

aw, but brand stepping in to help...how deliciously, bizarrely appropriate. wino's beehive must have appeared to ol' russ in a dream, singing the chorus of wonderwall. check out the youtube link below of wino on brand's tv show. no doubt about it-they are definitely cut from the same mad genius cloth (russ yells at wino, "winehouse, do a record you lunatic! sing it out of your gob!").

tuesday sorbet: COLIN FIRTH

today's sorbet honours the gorgeous manliness of colin firth, who is not only dreamy as all hell but also one of britain's greatest actors. *le sigh*

mr. firth sure looks good in a waistcoat. any woman with a heartbeat swoons over him as mister darcy in bbc's "pride and prejudice"- he is just pure romantic perfection in that role. he's also wonderful in "girl with a pearl earring" as the painter vermeer. like romola garai (imagine the two of them in one movie, mon dieu!), he conveys so much emotion without speaking a word, especially whilst listening to a conversation. and who can forget him uncomfortably sporting that terrible novelty jumper in "bridget jones' diary"?

here are some clips for your midday swoon-a-thon:

DARCY STRIPS AND JUMPS IN THE LAKE

DARCY PROFESSES LOVE TO LIZZIE

VERMEER SEES GRIET'S HAIR

BRIDGET JONES INTERVIEWS COLIN (very funny!)

party at wino's

this is what happens to a person after only 3 hours inside wino's camden crack den. sadie frost (fashionista/jude law's ex/actress) went to visit amy stone cold sober and reappeared completely wasted! on a monday night! gotta love these hardcore brits!

here sadie emerges with kristian marr...check out his eyes. there's no question he'll be picking up a curry takeaway on the way home.

i'm jealous! i wanna party at wino's! it looks like a good old fashioned 70s style shindig complete with cigarettes, hard liquor, a bong shaped like a buddha, coke on mirrors, led zep on the stereo and late night jiffy pop!

SADIE'S BEEN WINO-ED

V fest- take 2

wino cleaned up a bit for her 2nd V fest performance; probably because there was tv coverage. here's two youtube clips for your bemusement and amusement:

VALERIE V FEST

BACK TO BLACK V FEST

winehouse of oz

rumours continue to swirl about wino's new album. reports have claimed she's writing about meatballs and cooking, but now it seems the inspiration isn't coming from little balls of meat but the classic hollywood film, "the wizard of oz".

a source tells THE SUN:

“She loves the surreal look, sound and score. One of her new songs heavily samples the theme tune...And the soundtrack and score will be a theme running throughout the record...really interesting, if a little bizarre...I suppose that’s what you would expect from her at the moment.”

this will only be a good idea if she skips the munchins and includes the witch's guardsmen chant: "oh ee oh, ooooohhhhh OH!" come to think of it, this sounds like a terrible idea. i'll be interested to see how this comes together- if all the reports are true about the meatballs and oz, this will be one terrifying album. even scarier than bowie's 'one outside', and that shit is scary.

INSPIRED BY OZ

back to black & tan

it's still too early for youtube clips of yesterday's V festival (give it a few days), but the press has been not so flattering about wino's performance/appearance.

the daily mail reports:

Looking sallow-faced and grubby with dark smears of make-up around her eyes, she coughed and spluttered her way through the set, forgetting the words to Back to Black and mumbling to herself between songs...Amy dedicated Wake Up Alone to husband Blake Fielder-Civil, who is serving a 27-month prison sentence, which prompted a smattering of boos from the crowd.

a shout out to blaaake is an integral part of a winehouse gig...and so are the boos, it seems. but what is the deal with the smeared fake tan? junkies don't have tans! kurt cobain, the entire cast of trainspotting, early 90s calvin klein models: no tans in sight.

AMY LOOKS BAD

i told you i was trouble...

isn't she precious? wino is up to her old tricks again. last night, she punched fans who stupidly try to touch her or take cell phone pics, attempted to escape from her own entourage and bought strange, random items from convenience stores.

amy was attending a fundraiser for the hawley arms pub, a favourite haunt of hers that was damaged in the camden fire earlier this year. she dressed up for the occasion, smearing herself with fake tanner and donning her classic ballet pumps.

i feel a bit sorry for the fan who reached out to touch her arm and ask how she was (see the video here), but at this same time, she should know better! if i were anywhere near wino i would take 5 steps back and adopt a fencing stance.

seriouly though, our heroine needs to get off the booze and hard drugs and start smoking weed again. at least she'd be less crabby and might eat something once in awhile. sheesh.

CAMDEN'S WILD CHILD

ON THE ATTACK

abbey road

once upon a time, monks were hidden away from the outside world. today, they are rock stars who keep laptops in their cells. i bet they sew little pockets into their robes so they can carry their cell phones and ipods around the monastery.

anyway, the Cistercian Monks of Stift Heiligenkreuz want to save our girl wino. brother Johannes Paul Chavanne said this:

"For 10 minutes I liked [Back to Black, Winehouse's 2006 album]...But when I read the lyrics I thought it was sad. I would like to invite her here - I feel sympathetic to people like her. She could stay a week or two and discuss the big questions of life - faith might be an answer for her."

these monks are hardcore, man. they start their "praying and working" at 5:15 am and go until 8 pm. there's no way a monk could drag wino out of bed at 5 am! that beehive doesn't rise from the pillow before noon without a cigarette, irish coffee and 10 advils.

i met a buddhist monk once- he was really cool. he didn't speak a word of english, but we went to an art gallery together and "discussed" art. he even gave me a korean name, "soo yun" (waterlily). i wish i could have asked him the real burning question: "do monks wear underwear under those robes?"

MONK ROCK

WTF wino: winemouse, 2008

sure, this video is old news. but who can resist the charms of dirty fingered doherty&wino making baby mice speak? the quotes are priceless:

"he looks like johnny borrell just out of the bath!"

"this is the dawning...of a newwwwww mouse life!"

"daddy! daddy!"

and of course, the classic "message for blaaake":

"blaaake, please don't divorce mummy...she loves you ever so...if you divorce her, you'll have me to deal with. i'm only a day old, i don't know what i'm doing, but i know what love is."

this is the wino that haunts the nightmares of the brits. cree-py!

well done wino: love is a losing game, 2006

i'm always blown away by this performance. vocally it's stunning (even better than the original) and the emotion she puts into the song is spellbinding. it's especially touching when she asks, "was that all right?" at the end of the song.

was that all right? it was bloody genius, amy!

nightmare on wino street

well here's an obvious news item: winehouse gives people nightmares! no!

a travelodge survey of 3,500 brits compiled a list of celebrity freddy kruegers. here's the top ten:

Amy Winehouse
Marilyn Manson
Gordon Brown
Pete Doherty
The Cheeky Girls
Simon Cowell/Kerry Katona
Cherie Blair
Jodie Marsh
Heather Mills
Alistair Darling

i would think heather mills would be higher up on that list. *shudder* can you imagine a nightmare starring ALL these weirdos? i'd never sleep again!

WINO GIVES BRITS NIGHTMARES

tuesday sorbet: ROMOLA GARAI

contrary to popular belief, i'm not a total grouch. i may loathe duffy (who has also complained about being compared to leona lewis...jesus god man that girl is annoying) but i am not against all blonde brits. i am proving my faith in british blondes by featuring the chameleon-esque actress romola garai as today's sorbet.

you have most likely seen her as grown up briony in "atonement" or as amelia sedley in "vanity fair". i loved her in both movies- she just has a way of pulling your heart strings without speaking a word. i cry everytime i see that scene in vanity fair when her son snobbishly rejects the peasant shirts she makes for him ("silly old mama!"). i also love the scene when she is reunited with her beloved piano after her family loses all their money.

we'll all pretend "dirty dancing 2: havana nights" is not on her resume...

ROMOLA: ON A ROLL

CLIP FROM VANITY FAIR w/ RHYS IFANS

my bond is better than your bond

wino is vexed about not singing the bond theme. here's what our heroine said about the bond producers:

"I do think they could have waited a bit. If they want a worldwide hit I have them all up here (pointing to her beehive)...I guess they are going for clean-cut and boring. When I do release mine – and I am tempted to do it on the same day – this would be the bigger hit."

i've never understood the fascination with 007. he's a spy, he wears a tux, whoop-dee-doo. now, if they had cast clive owen as bond, i might be more tempted to sit through all the "where is the microfiche" silliness. god bless clive!

GET A LOAD OF MY BOND

STFU duffy!

i was willing to give the other soul singin british white girl, aimee duffy, a chance. screw that! once i heard her rehab ripoff it was game over. duffy's MERCY is like a musak version of rehab written for a tampon commercial. ugh. i'm really developing a pet hatred for this tartlet after reading quotes like this:

"It makes me mad that people keep comparing me to Amy Winehouse and Dusty Springfield...It's just labelling me as something else, without any respect for the struggle, the determination, focus or artistic vision that I have....It's like, 'Whoa, what's that about? Why would I want to be someone else?' Because I really don't. I just want to be me. It's kind of strange and disheartening to be constantly told who I look like, or who I sound like."

what's she moaning about? duffy's "artistic vision" is nothing more than stealing rehab's "no no no" riff and changing it to "yeah yeah yeah". she should be grateful wino gave her such a good idea! i bet her next ballad will be called "love is a winning game".

as for the dusty comment, the woman is a *legend* and deserves more respect.

thought that was barf-inducing? read on! in the next breath she contradicts herself, saying she DOES like to be compared to other artists:

"You do get some people who hit slightly closer to where I'm coming from. I got compared to Diana Ross the other day, which was a real compliment...And someone also wrote that I was the female Otis Redding, which really made me feel good because he's a hero of mine."

diana ross!? otis redding!? #(^!@&#^%&%$^!!!!!

tell me duffy has no resemblence to dusty springfield!!! watch this clip!!! judge on, judgersons!


DUFFY WHINES

auld lang wine

mark your calenders! blaaake could be out of jail in time for new year! georgette fielder-civil says:

"We’re hoping that his probation officer will advise him to stay with us. If he’s linked with drugs on his weekend visit he will lose the right to come out early...He will be released on December 30 if he’s a good boy. I’ve told him to keep his head down.”

stay with mum and step-dad? no way! wino will wrap her tattooed arms around blaaake's skinny torso and drag him everywhere she goes. blaaake will be transported from one clinch to another!

BLAAAKE OUT BY NEW YEAR

it's alive

i am skipping "wino week" due to the lack of winehouse related news. it's been boring in camden these days.

how am i supposed to keep a blog going when wino behaves herself? it's been two weeks since our heroine has been spotted in public- nearly a lifetime!

is she wearing a red bra, buying crisps and jumping into a moving convertible at 3 am? nooo...she's going to the studio in broad daylight.

*yawn!*

think of your fans, wino! we need a fix of your brand of crazy!

AMY LEAVES HER FLAT

wino: the video game

artwork courtesy of alexhughescartoons.co.uk

looking for a way to waste time at work? if you're like me, you've already conquered sushi go round and kindergarten on miniclip games.

now, my pretties, the wait is over-you too can be wino! try out this hilarious little webgame...our cartoon heroine battles superheroes by throwing needles, punchy punching and using her patented beehive attack. help amy save her blaaake from jail!

i think my fave quote has to be, "owh, blimey, my 'ead 'uuuuurts!"

ESCAPE FROM REHAB GAME

WTF wino: rock in rio lisbon, 2008

watching this performance makes me feel icky and wrong. wino was obviously wasted, her voice completely shot (hey, it happens to the best of singers, but man!). she minced, tripped and staggered around the stage, forgetting lyrics and clutching "throat sweets". the entire set was hideously disturbing, like the sight of some crack-addicted crone entertaining herself on a street corner.

although, considering the lyrics to rehab, it could one day be named as a post-modern masterpiece. in the wake up alone clip, she falls over and drops the microphone @ 1:58...then covers up her embarrassment with false *drunk* bravado. and then, during love is a losing game, she sobs through the entire song.

never mind rock and roll...this is performance art!

all kidding aside, it is sad to see such a talented artist become a parody of herself before the age of 25.

well done wino: addicted, glastonbury 2008

ok, so wino's set at glasonbury 2008 ended with some punchy punchy and vocals akin to a strangled cat. however, one can't deny the opening number was pretty darned great. the last verse in particular is quite fine.

what really happened?

this documentary, "what really happened?", makes for really good viewing. it's shocking to see the early footage of wino, plump and powerful, contrasted against her recent state. the interviews with blaaake's father, mitch and the people who knew her as a teenager are fascinating, as is the sound of her voice as she sings for a room of record company execs at age 17.

what a waste, o the humanity.

PART 1 ~ PART 2 ~ PART 3 ~ PART 4 ~ PART 5

tuesday sorbet: RUSSELL BRAND

wino isn't the only brit with a 'barnet'...today's sorbet honours the genius of russell brand, an actor/comedian/author/tv host/radio personality who will take over north america- MARK MY WORDS. he's wicked famous in the UK, known for his tabloid antics (THE SUN named him "shagger of the year" two years running) sartorial excellence and quaint yet precise victorian vocabulary.

keep your eye out for russell hosting the MTV video awards in september- it's sure to be history in the making!

to experience brand at his best, before he becomes trendy and over-exposed, i suggest the following youtube clips:

to revel in brand's command of language:
RUSSELL'S TAMARA BECKWITH/TABLOID STORY

to laugh over something dirty and uncomfortable:
RUSSELL DISCUSSES INTERNET PORN & "SEAGULLING"

to see why the americans will love ol' russ:
RUSSELL FLIRTS WITH LENO part 1 & part 2

RUSSELL FLIRTS WITH CONAN

to understand the man behind the myth:
DAWN FRENCH INTERVIEWS RUSSELL part 1

the mitch show

finally! mitch's birthday candle wishes have come true! bbc has recognized senior winehouse's brilliant media manipulation and has lined him up as a guest host on bbc1 radio. i'm feeling lazy today so here's the article with the link below:

WINEHOUSE'S DAD TO HOST BBC SHOW

The cab driver is one of a number of guest presenters signed up by the station to co-host the mid-afternoon slot while Danny Baker goes on holiday.

Also lined up are Apprentice contestant Lucinda Ledgerwood, actor Phil Daniels and singer Katie Melua.

Since his daughter's behaviour became the focus of media attention, Mr Winehouse, 57, has increasingly been on hand to explain her actions.

"Mitch has been a regular contributor to BBC London, calling into our phone-in shows, " said the station's assistant editor Justin Kings.

"He always has something worthwhile to say and a good sense of humour.

"Although Mitch's life is extraordinary because of Amy, he's still a London dad and I think our listeners can relate to him in that way, " Mr Kings added.

In a recent interview with BBC Radio 1 Newsbeat Mr Winehouse said that he had come to accept being in the media spotlight.

"I question my own motives sometimes," he said. "Maybe I like the limelight a bit too much."

Mr Winehouse and the other guest presenters will take turns co-hosting the 1500 to 1700 slot with DJ Gary Crowley between 18 August and 12 September.

MAYBE he likes the limelight a bit too much? i wonder how long it will take for mitch and amy to do an album of jazz standard duets. i can just imagine mitch working out the orchestrations in his mind whilst driving around London. speaking of which, wouldn't it be great to have mitch wino as your cabbie? i bet if you tip him well, he'll sing a verse or two of "rehab".

BBC HIRES MITCH WINO

now that's a spicy meat-a-ball...

between trips to the hospital and punching grates, wino has managed to write a few ditties...no, not about blaaake keeping his dick wet, but sunday afternoon chefery! behold the leaked lyrics to wino's unnamed track:

"I can cook, chicken soup, meatballs, a good chicken - jerk and fried."

a source says,

"She's working on one track which talks about her upbringing as a Jewish girl. The song brings her back to happier days when she didn't have a care in the world...It's only in its early stages, but Amy is really excited about getting back to what she does best - making great music. The lyrical content is a little off the wall. But Amy writes about what's on her mind - and she goes all out."

here's hoping for a track about her slushie machine and another waxing poetic over hospital bed KFC!

WINO IS COOKIN'

wino week july 28-aug 3: opinions on wino

when it comes to wino, everyone has an opinion. here's a selection of what celebrities had to say this week:

BRIGITTE NIELSEN:

"The Red Sonja star believes Winehouse, 24, who has been hospitalised several times recently, is ready to self destruct...Nielsen accused the songbird, who is reportedly showing signs of the lung disease Emphysema, of throwing her career and life away with substance abuse. She said: 'I get so sad when I see people like Amy Winehouse destroying themselves. They should get help before it kills them - like I did.'"

SARAH HARDING of GIRLS ALOUD:

“I can’t wait to get out of Camden. I just hate being back there now. It brings back so many unhappy memories...It could do Amy good to get out of there and get a fresh start and perspective...Bless her. I love Amy. She’s a good girl. I’ll look out for her. But I’m sure she’ll be fine.”

JOHN LYDON:

"Poor old Amy. Aimless Winehouse would be a better term. I love all kinds of music but the one thing I have never done is imitate black music in her idiotic way...There's not a single word that means anything. It's not like these songs are deeply moving or inspirational or cultural in any way you could find useful...And the cover up for her which is probably the guilt trip is that she requires vast amounts of drugs to hide the fact that she is fake."

i have nothing against flava flav's ex or the girl's aloud chick, but johnny rotten...puhleez! was he not in a band with sid vicious, a bass player so bad he was overdubbed in the studio!? sid vicious was the quintessential junkie fake and i'm sure lydon doesn't refuse the royalty cheques he receives due to sid's enduring popularity.

who'll be next to express their wino opinion? let's hope it's a varied and exotic list, including the likes of MR. T, little richard, donald trump, charo, elton john, barbra streisand and ru paul.

le freak, so chic

it's hard inside for a pimp. blaaake will be transferred to a jail in suffolk at his request.

THE SUN reports:

"Blake recently tore down pictures of Amy from his cell walls. And warders feared he might top himself after he burst into floods of tears and screamed: “Why me?”...He has been having counselling from Samaritans but begged staff to move him from Pentonville because he felt suicidal. "

ooo, a good old fashioned jail cell freakout. now that's rock n roll!

psychologists should add "giving up mopping" to their list of early indicators of a breakdown. i apologize for having mocked in a previous post the pentonville prison source/genius. next time i visit someone i love and they have a dirty kitchen floor, i will ask some gentle questions.

wino is apparently searching for a flat to be closer to blaaake. i'm sure her new small town neighbours are going to just love the circus.

AMY SEARCHES FOR SMALL TOWN FLAT

hey...mister spaceman...

wino's fame is not only worldwide- it is intergalactic!

recent UFO sightings in the uk have created something magical...the shape of amy's head!

a spokesman for betting analysts Blue Square, who are now taking bets on where the next sighting will be, said:

"At first it seemed to be a co-incidence, but after newspapers revealed that the Camden starlet's Grandma had already spoken to Amy from the grave and told her to clear up her act, speculation has increased that this could be an extra-terrestrial intervention."

an ET intervention!? like aliens have any interest in wino! if they're going to communicate with a british rock star, it would be david bowie! starman! ziggy stardust! space oddity! come on!

click on the link to see the alien sighting co-ordinates and to read more on this ridiculousness:

ALIEN PROBE FOR SPACED-OUT WINEHOUSE