"i can't believe what has happened to me. i am so sad"

more disturbing details on wino's "end of summer" fiasco have emerged. someone needs to sit her down and make her watch "the rose", "la vie en rose" and "lady sings the blues" on continuous loop until a lightbulb goes off in her head.

wino had dionne bromfield, her 12 year old god daughter, replace her at this big-assed gig because she couldn't face performing. she joined dionne on stage, uttering a few grunts resembling backups and clutching her god-awful shorts. then, amy skulked across the stage bellowing, "This is Dionne, everyone, Dionne. Remember this f****** name, you don’t f****** know.” after only a few songs, wino became so emotional she dragged the girl off before it was over! weeping backstage and clutching dionne in her scraggly arms, she made the following statements to journalists;

“I was more nervous about the gig than Dionne. I couldn’t even leave the house without her.It was so emotional being on stage with her...I got so upset I started crying and had to drag her off...I love her. She’s f****** amazing.”

“When I look at Dionne she reminds me of myself. I used to be this little girl who liked Celine Dion and singing, this beautiful sweet girl with innocent dreams...Look where I am now. Look what happened to my dreams. This isn’t a life – I’m a mess, look at me...But this girl has everything ahead of her. She’s so beautiful and she reminds me so much of myself...This beautiful happy girl, she is so much like I used to be. I don’t want to leave her alone. I can’t believe what has happened to me. I am so sad.”

wino listened to celine dion? ew! she then made the obligatory reference to her blaaake;

“Dionne doesn’t have a boyfriend, she doesn't have a Blake to mess her up. She’s sweet and should stay like that...What life do I have? My life begins when Blake gets out of prison. He is my life, I want to see him.”

and so it went. now, our heroine's friends are so concerned they are setting up camp camden. a source says;

“No one wants to leave Amy on her own — she’s in a very fragile state at the moment...Her most loyal friends are terrified she is going to do something which she can’t overcome...She’s been to hell and back already but some fear she’s going to get worse before she gets better."

am i stating the obvious when i say ROCK N ROLL INTERVENTION? get bowie, jagger, iggy pop, dave gahan, courteney love, clapton, david crosby and ozzy together and storm that apartment!

WINO: "I AM SO SAD"

24 HOUR PARTY PEOPLE

sweet reunion, jamaica and spain, we're like how we were again...

winehousewatchers, hold on to your macs and hats: it looks like sid's about to be reunited with her nancy!! blaaake is getting out of jail early! he's finally agreed to the conditions of living with mom, wearing an electronic tag and keeping to a 7pm curfew. blaaake's master plan is to take a daily cab to and from georgette's house 280 miles from camden, costing approx. £894.40. he might as well buy himself a private jet for that kind of cash- a week of trips would cost £6,260.80, almost $13,000 US dollars.

a source says:

“Amy is obviously chuffed. But more surprisingly, even her family and friends are pleased...Because Blake will have to lead this disciplined life to keep in line with his conditions of release they are hoping it will rub off on her too...He has to be back at his mum’s every evening — and he’s so jealous and controlling he won’t want her up to no good without him.”

what!? sheeya, right! the winehouses must be the most naive group of people in london. blaaake will kiss his wife hello and within seconds he'll be high off her fumes.

"Amy has had so many letdowns over the past few months. One minute she’s told he is coming out, then he’s not...Once he’s out he had better behave. A single breach of his curfew could have him whisked back into prison.”

i can see it now. georgette will nag him to clean his room and pick up his towels. wino will drive him mental with her shenanigans. he'll be so exhausted dealing with two crazy women he'll miss his curfew on purpose to return to his jail cell for some peace, quiet and good drugs.

HE WANTS TO BLAAAKE FREE!

"life can't go on, i can't do this"

all right. this is enough now! wino crawled out from under a camden rock to make an appearance at london's end of the summer ball, purportedly to support her 12 year old god-daughter's singing debut. as usual, it became the "omg look at what a mess wino is" show. wino pulled focus, hugged and squeezed dionne while she was trying to sing. a source says:

"It was tragic — she seemed totally wasted. She was jumping all over Dionne as the poor girl tried to sing for the crowd. Amy didn’t really sing a single note — it sounded more like she was grunting down the mic...Amy was then asked to pose for the event’s official photographer, but flipped and tried to headbutt him. She looked like a woman possessed."

backstage, wino had a meltdown, bursting into tears and saying, "Life can't go on, I can't do this." she later arrived home dishevelled, grasping at her loose beehive and wearing only one ballet flat.



WINO SOBS "LIFE CAN'T GO ON, I CAN'T DO THIS"

vomit comet

ok. there is a line that we as humans agree not to cross. that line is imposing our bodily fluids on strangers.

wino, our dear, misguided heroine, has crossed that line. Employees at Harvey Nichols were disgusted to find amy had returned 25,000 pounds of clothing caked in vomit.

an insider says:

“Unfortunately, while wearing one of the frocks, she went on an all-night bender...She ended up in the loos, where she was violently sick. Let’s just say it wasn’t pretty...She eventually couriered them back on Monday, but didn’t wrap them separately. So sick had gone on all the clothes...Even worse, green, furry mould had developed on some gowns, making them unwearable...The store publicists weren’t best pleased. They send stuff out to celebs all the time, but it never gets into such a state...I doubt Amy will be sent any more designer gear for a while and the store has now asked for its £25k back."

*sigh* i'm at a loss for words, my darlings. how can someone who wrote something as divine as "wake up alone" be so disgusting? this is the sign of a person who no longer gives a shit.

WINO PUKES ON DESIGNER CLOTHES

tuesday sorbet: CHARLIE BROOKER

many of my sorbets have been pretty/show-bizzy type people, so today i am exposing you to the mad brilliance of charlie brooker, the UK's premiere curmudgeon. columnist and television critic, charlie's guardian columns are witty, sarcastic and full of pertinent observations on the inanity of modern media.

i am now going to do something that is long overdue...EMBED A VIDEO! enjoy this clip from "charlie brooker's screenwipe", a fantastic series that ridicules all that is vapid and stupid on british airwaves. this particular clip takes on the "broadway reality tv phenomenon". all i can say is the josephs scare the hell out me!

jailhouse crack rock

if the residents of camden hear tortured howls of "blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaake!" ringing through the air tonight, they can blame everyone's favourite crap husband, blake fielder-civil. edmund's hill prison's offer of early release on the condition of entering rehab has been refused, demonstrating blaaake's firm commitment to wino's anthem.

a source says:

"This will be another blow for her. Blake could have gone to rehab and sorted himself out but would rather see out his sentence in prison...All he wants is a free reign when he leaves, which means living with Amy back in Camden...But if he is turning down these chances to leave jail and get clean, it doesn’t bode well for him and Amy when he finally does get out."

blaaake is so stupid. he could have gotten out of jail, paid lip service to rehab and be back in amy's scraggly arms before the leaves fall. together, they could have happily huffed fake snow whilst decorating their crack den in homemade tinfoil ornaments.

BLAAAKE REFUSES RELEASE ONCE AGAIN

wino's next album: chinese democracy?

eeeekkk!!! i was attempting to find pics of wino in the studio and THIS is what kept coming up...wino in the woods! i post it to remind us all to say no to hard drugs. next time you're at a party and some "U4-ia" (sly vintage 90210 reference, nudge nudge) is offered, think of wino and just say no. smoke a little green, drink a bottle of red wine, smoke a pack of camels; you'll feel shitty the next day, but you won't be wino'ed.

nonetheless, i've neglected winehousewatch in recent days; there's been very little news and quite frankly, i don't want to waste your time with too much nonsense. however, after reading that our heroine has produced only two unfinished tracks after 6 months in the studio, i am vexed.

a source says:

"With all the problems surrounding her personal issues and addictions we are really concerned it will never get finished. If six months produces two half-baked tracks how long will an album take?...Unless she sorts herself out and gets some focus it might never happen."

is wino destined to be like axel rose, working tirelessly at an album that will never see the light of day? worst of all, will 'frank' and 'back to black' be the only winehouse albums we the public will ever know? no! it would be tragic!

WINO'S "CHINESE DEMOCRACY"

naked jail blaaake

waking up this morning to the sun's article about wino posting a naked shot of blaaake online was a bigger jolt than a quadruple espresso. you can also read about it on dlisted, which might make you spit out any morning beverage.

but that's not all in blaaake news! it gets better! apparently mr. fielder-civil has chosen to STAY IN JAIL rather than be released with conditions including staying at his mom georgette's house, following a 7pm curfew and wearing an electronic tag. officials were all ready to release him today but he is much happier in his cell. a source said:

"It was all set for him to be released, but he refused to go to anywhere other than Camden...He doesn’t want to go somewhere where he can’t be reunited with Amy and his friends. He’d rather stay inside."

just yesterday they said he failed a drug test. today they were ready to release him but he said, "no no no". something is not right here...does this mean the media sometimes, um, LIES!?

BLAAAKE PREFERS JAIL TO MOM'S HOUSE

wake up alone

wino's beehive will be her new year's eve date after all. blaaake has failed a random jailhouse drug test and will be spending an extra 28 days inside.

amy is reported to be "heartbroken".

BLAAAKE STAYS IN JAIL

a quarter of a century...makes a girl think...

what a waste of a guitar shaped cake! wino refused to show up at her 25th birthday party. guests adele, mark ronson and mom janis waited at the jazz after dark club in london for hours, but friend remi nicole couldn't convince wino to leave the house. it is reported that wino was screaming, "i look fucking ugly!"

the sun reports:

Three cabs were called to the star’s house in Camden, North London.

Two were sent away before Remi had enough and took the third home after three hours trying to get Amy out.

A pal said: “Amy was standing in front of the mirror telling everyone how rough she looked...Unfortunately her lifestyle has had a major affect on her appearance and it’s only just started to sink in...She kept saying she was ugly and was in an awful state. They couldn’t get her out...Remi had organised the night and made a huge effort. They had a huge row...Amy can be very selfish — there was no convincing her and she ruined the night for everyone, including herself.”

wino also missed out on gifts of paintings, one of her beloved nan and one of her and blaaake. you know someone's messed up with they say no to cake.



IT'S MY PARTY & I'LL PIKE IF I WANT TO

i can't help you, if you won't...help yourself...

last night, our heroine arrived 2 hours late to her DJ set at the monarch pub looking like a dog's breakfast. she left the club at 3 30 am, wobbling and stumbling into the street until friends urged her into a cab. a source reports:

"The pub was packed at first, until people started to get restless. Many decided to leave before Amy arrived, which left the pub looking quite empty...She didn't greet the crowd when she finally appeared. After playing two songs, she mumbled into the mic, 'thanks for coming down, much obliged'"

i've found a plethora of frightening pics from wino's night out. jesus god man, she looks terrible. thanks to dlisted and the sun for the shots.


RAVAGED WINO

scooby-duvet-doo

wino partied like it's 1999 after her bestival gig (with 48 bottles of jack on the rider), so much so the wellington hotel kicked her out. the hotel claims that wino did 5,000 pounds worth of damage by burning furniture with cigarette butts and covering carpets with booze.

a source said:

"Amy was a total mess. She couldn’t manage to walk to the car so they had to wrap her in a duvet."

ew! i don't even want to imagine the state of that duvet- i pity the person in her entourage who had to shove it into an itty-bitty british laundry machine.

WINO WRECKS HOTEL ROOM

bestival for the restival

i apologize to my small readership for not reporting on wino's bestival performance, but quite frankly, there isn't much to say. she showed up late, played a short set, seemed out of it. i've scoured the net and can't find any videoclips. so here's tim jonze's review for the guardian, and i believe this is verbatim...

Who: Amy Winehouse

Dress code: Nautical but nice - the band are all decked out like sailors, while Wino sings ("sings") from behind a ship's steering wheel.

Who's watching: The biggest crowd of the festival so far - and most of them are clearly here for the car crash.

In a nutshell: OK, so I'm one of about three people on earth who watched The Wino play Glastonbury this year and came back proclaiming it a triumph. But if Guardian blog commenters thought that was a bad show, they should have seen this. Admittedly, things got better. They had to - the first song (Addicted, I think) was barely recognisable, thanks to the fact Amy only sang about 23% of the lyrics. But even when she got her voice back, the whole thing felt a bit nasty, overstepping the increasingly thin line between troubled genius and total shambles. Maybe if we hadn't just spent an hour dancing to Hot Chip, whose rave-tastic set blew the mud halfway to Newport, it wouldn't have seemed so bad. But we had, and in comparison to that, a set of half-sung Sam Cooke and Zutons covers from a woman who could barely stand-up straight didn't exactly top off the night in style.

Bestival: She turned up, she played, there was no riot.

Worstival: The wait for her to get onstage - about 80 minutes, but it felt like hours.

NME's TAKE ON BESTIVAL

tuesday sorbet: CLIVE OWEN

what else can one do but sigh wistfully over the manly goodness that is clive owen?

god bless clive!

wino ditches ronson for remi

amy is going back to basics by working along side salaam remi, her first producer on "frank", on her new album.

her spokesman said:

"There has been some music written, recorded and done but details aren't forthcoming as yet...The diary is clear to really nail down the album for the forseeable future and to allow some relaxing recovery time. Amy always wants to perform and over the summer they booked all these one off dates to keep the pressure off. Then there's the release of Blake before Xmas and we'll see what happens then."

salaam better keep wino working cause once blaaake gets out, the whole shit house will go up in flames!

NO MORE RONSON

48 bottles of jack on the rider...

wino has requested a staggering 48 bottles of jack daniels for her bestival gig.

a source tells the sun:

"...It’s common for artists to make requests for food and beverages before they arrive. ...But organisers have heard Miss Winehouse has ordered in an extremely large amount of Jack Daniel’s, in fact, a ridiculous amount that she and her team could not possibly consume during their short stay...Everyone is really excited about getting Amy to perform here, and naturally there are now fears she is planning something wild..."

am i evil to rub my hands with glee in anticipation over the youtube clips in my future?

BACK TO JACK

Nam Myoho Renge Kyo

wino has taken up buddhist chanting!

a friend (who are these so-called friends!?) said:

"One of her musician friends introduced Amy to Buddhist chanting. She chants for ten minutes in the mornings and just before she sleeps. Amy has also been watching the interview clip with Tina Turner chanting on YouTube and she reckons it's already affecting her in a positive way. She has a string of Buddhist beads that she chants with, which she keeps in a red silk scarf. She says chanting is filling her life with positivity while she is trying to sort herself out"

try replacing "i go back to black" or "some unholy war" with "nam myoho renge kyo". whee!

WINO CHANTS