wino be jammin'

be prepared for your eyes, ears and subconscious mind to be assaulted. this youtube clip has been online for a few months but is picking up steam, having appeared lately on a few blogs (including perez hilton). it features wino jamming in her studio with a family of leeches, um, i mean some friends.

there are so many disturbing elements to this clip: wino's distended stomach, the glee in the voices of the hangers-on as they start the tape, the lonely xylophone guy...it's like a freaky post-modern german horror film with a really bad soundtrack. watch and judge, my pretties, but only if you're in a strong state of mind. if you're feeling even remotely fragile, this will send you directly to bed for a nap.

candy darling

i'm a few days late on reporting the "coke-and-candy-floss" story, which i will blame on two turkeys and a lasagna. here it is, from gigwise, and i 'believe this is verbatim...':

Amy Winehouse has reportedly thought up a brand spanking new way of taking cocaine – mixing it with candyfloss.

The 25-year-old singer was apparently spurred on by Babyshambles' lead guitarist Mick Whitnall after she bought a candyfloss machine for £700.

According to the News of the World, Wino loves the concoction so much that and has even held 'Coke and Candy' parties at her house.

A 'pal' said: “It was Mik’s idea. The candyfloss machine was Amy’s pride and joy and he thought it would be funny to give it a boost...He and some pals sprinkled a wrap of coke into the mixture and Amy started eating it before she realised what they’d done. She now thinks it’s a hoot to do the same.”

yegads! i thought vodka pops were decadent!

knives out

when a rock star compares their own destiny to that of sid vicious, it's only a matter of time before something really bad happens. it is alleged that amy held a knife to her chest in a desperate cry for help, saying "What is the point of living?". a friend revealed:

“Amy said she was ‘caught up in a nightmare’...Her friends managed to get the knife away from her but are now holding a 24-hour watch on her...Amy has a death wish. Her emotions are exaggerated. She is either high as a kite or, when she hears something she doesn't like, she's suicidal...She is all for this stupid Sid Vicious notion of dying young. She is not scared of it and believes it is her destiny."

man, this is depressing stuff for a monday morning. i've got a miserable cold at the moment and thought i felt rotten enough- now after reading today's winehouse headlines i'm wiped right out. when the fuzz in my head clears, perhaps i will have some witticisms to impart. but for now i'll leave you with wino's funeral themed video for "back to black". it seems appropriate.



WINO: "CAUGHT IN A NIGHTMARE"

alien amy

i'm a little nervous posting about scientology- they, like all organized churches, give me the heebs something fierce. scientology isn't much different from any other church who preys on the weak to boost their numbers. the christians pray to a big man in the sky, the scientologists believe in aliens. they both ask for money...same room, different colour, isn't it?

anyway, it has been reported that the church of scientology has contacted our heroine. a source says:

“She had a call from the celebrity branch of the Church Of Scientology. She thinks they got her number through one of the American music producers who worked on her Back to Black album...They told her they wanted to help her beat drugs and could tailor-make a programme so she wouldn’t have to go to a residential centre. She liked that idea because her husband Blake is out of prison soon and wouldn’t want to be away from him when he’s finally freed.”

drying out with the help of scientology is a lot of work. first, the addict is given vitamin cocktails (mmm cocktails!). next, they are given a series of saunas and put on a "detox diet". finally, they have to work through self-help books. if wino did go through it, imagine how much those workbooks would be worth in the future!

TOM CRUISE WANTS WINO

"i can't believe what has happened to me. i am so sad"

more disturbing details on wino's "end of summer" fiasco have emerged. someone needs to sit her down and make her watch "the rose", "la vie en rose" and "lady sings the blues" on continuous loop until a lightbulb goes off in her head.

wino had dionne bromfield, her 12 year old god daughter, replace her at this big-assed gig because she couldn't face performing. she joined dionne on stage, uttering a few grunts resembling backups and clutching her god-awful shorts. then, amy skulked across the stage bellowing, "This is Dionne, everyone, Dionne. Remember this f****** name, you don’t f****** know.” after only a few songs, wino became so emotional she dragged the girl off before it was over! weeping backstage and clutching dionne in her scraggly arms, she made the following statements to journalists;

“I was more nervous about the gig than Dionne. I couldn’t even leave the house without her.It was so emotional being on stage with her...I got so upset I started crying and had to drag her off...I love her. She’s f****** amazing.”

“When I look at Dionne she reminds me of myself. I used to be this little girl who liked Celine Dion and singing, this beautiful sweet girl with innocent dreams...Look where I am now. Look what happened to my dreams. This isn’t a life – I’m a mess, look at me...But this girl has everything ahead of her. She’s so beautiful and she reminds me so much of myself...This beautiful happy girl, she is so much like I used to be. I don’t want to leave her alone. I can’t believe what has happened to me. I am so sad.”

wino listened to celine dion? ew! she then made the obligatory reference to her blaaake;

“Dionne doesn’t have a boyfriend, she doesn't have a Blake to mess her up. She’s sweet and should stay like that...What life do I have? My life begins when Blake gets out of prison. He is my life, I want to see him.”

and so it went. now, our heroine's friends are so concerned they are setting up camp camden. a source says;

“No one wants to leave Amy on her own — she’s in a very fragile state at the moment...Her most loyal friends are terrified she is going to do something which she can’t overcome...She’s been to hell and back already but some fear she’s going to get worse before she gets better."

am i stating the obvious when i say ROCK N ROLL INTERVENTION? get bowie, jagger, iggy pop, dave gahan, courteney love, clapton, david crosby and ozzy together and storm that apartment!

WINO: "I AM SO SAD"

24 HOUR PARTY PEOPLE

"life can't go on, i can't do this"

all right. this is enough now! wino crawled out from under a camden rock to make an appearance at london's end of the summer ball, purportedly to support her 12 year old god-daughter's singing debut. as usual, it became the "omg look at what a mess wino is" show. wino pulled focus, hugged and squeezed dionne while she was trying to sing. a source says:

"It was tragic — she seemed totally wasted. She was jumping all over Dionne as the poor girl tried to sing for the crowd. Amy didn’t really sing a single note — it sounded more like she was grunting down the mic...Amy was then asked to pose for the event’s official photographer, but flipped and tried to headbutt him. She looked like a woman possessed."

backstage, wino had a meltdown, bursting into tears and saying, "Life can't go on, I can't do this." she later arrived home dishevelled, grasping at her loose beehive and wearing only one ballet flat.



WINO SOBS "LIFE CAN'T GO ON, I CAN'T DO THIS"

vomit comet

ok. there is a line that we as humans agree not to cross. that line is imposing our bodily fluids on strangers.

wino, our dear, misguided heroine, has crossed that line. Employees at Harvey Nichols were disgusted to find amy had returned 25,000 pounds of clothing caked in vomit.

an insider says:

“Unfortunately, while wearing one of the frocks, she went on an all-night bender...She ended up in the loos, where she was violently sick. Let’s just say it wasn’t pretty...She eventually couriered them back on Monday, but didn’t wrap them separately. So sick had gone on all the clothes...Even worse, green, furry mould had developed on some gowns, making them unwearable...The store publicists weren’t best pleased. They send stuff out to celebs all the time, but it never gets into such a state...I doubt Amy will be sent any more designer gear for a while and the store has now asked for its £25k back."

*sigh* i'm at a loss for words, my darlings. how can someone who wrote something as divine as "wake up alone" be so disgusting? this is the sign of a person who no longer gives a shit.

WINO PUKES ON DESIGNER CLOTHES

wino's next album: chinese democracy?

eeeekkk!!! i was attempting to find pics of wino in the studio and THIS is what kept coming up...wino in the woods! i post it to remind us all to say no to hard drugs. next time you're at a party and some "U4-ia" (sly vintage 90210 reference, nudge nudge) is offered, think of wino and just say no. smoke a little green, drink a bottle of red wine, smoke a pack of camels; you'll feel shitty the next day, but you won't be wino'ed.

nonetheless, i've neglected winehousewatch in recent days; there's been very little news and quite frankly, i don't want to waste your time with too much nonsense. however, after reading that our heroine has produced only two unfinished tracks after 6 months in the studio, i am vexed.

a source says:

"With all the problems surrounding her personal issues and addictions we are really concerned it will never get finished. If six months produces two half-baked tracks how long will an album take?...Unless she sorts herself out and gets some focus it might never happen."

is wino destined to be like axel rose, working tirelessly at an album that will never see the light of day? worst of all, will 'frank' and 'back to black' be the only winehouse albums we the public will ever know? no! it would be tragic!

WINO'S "CHINESE DEMOCRACY"

naked jail blaaake

waking up this morning to the sun's article about wino posting a naked shot of blaaake online was a bigger jolt than a quadruple espresso. you can also read about it on dlisted, which might make you spit out any morning beverage.

but that's not all in blaaake news! it gets better! apparently mr. fielder-civil has chosen to STAY IN JAIL rather than be released with conditions including staying at his mom georgette's house, following a 7pm curfew and wearing an electronic tag. officials were all ready to release him today but he is much happier in his cell. a source said:

"It was all set for him to be released, but he refused to go to anywhere other than Camden...He doesn’t want to go somewhere where he can’t be reunited with Amy and his friends. He’d rather stay inside."

just yesterday they said he failed a drug test. today they were ready to release him but he said, "no no no". something is not right here...does this mean the media sometimes, um, LIES!?

BLAAAKE PREFERS JAIL TO MOM'S HOUSE

a quarter of a century...makes a girl think...

what a waste of a guitar shaped cake! wino refused to show up at her 25th birthday party. guests adele, mark ronson and mom janis waited at the jazz after dark club in london for hours, but friend remi nicole couldn't convince wino to leave the house. it is reported that wino was screaming, "i look fucking ugly!"

the sun reports:

Three cabs were called to the star’s house in Camden, North London.

Two were sent away before Remi had enough and took the third home after three hours trying to get Amy out.

A pal said: “Amy was standing in front of the mirror telling everyone how rough she looked...Unfortunately her lifestyle has had a major affect on her appearance and it’s only just started to sink in...She kept saying she was ugly and was in an awful state. They couldn’t get her out...Remi had organised the night and made a huge effort. They had a huge row...Amy can be very selfish — there was no convincing her and she ruined the night for everyone, including herself.”

wino also missed out on gifts of paintings, one of her beloved nan and one of her and blaaake. you know someone's messed up with they say no to cake.



IT'S MY PARTY & I'LL PIKE IF I WANT TO

i can't help you, if you won't...help yourself...

last night, our heroine arrived 2 hours late to her DJ set at the monarch pub looking like a dog's breakfast. she left the club at 3 30 am, wobbling and stumbling into the street until friends urged her into a cab. a source reports:

"The pub was packed at first, until people started to get restless. Many decided to leave before Amy arrived, which left the pub looking quite empty...She didn't greet the crowd when she finally appeared. After playing two songs, she mumbled into the mic, 'thanks for coming down, much obliged'"

i've found a plethora of frightening pics from wino's night out. jesus god man, she looks terrible. thanks to dlisted and the sun for the shots.


RAVAGED WINO

WTF wino: valerie, some london pub, 2008

in order to keep this blog fresh and exciting for all 3 of you reading, i sift through a lot of winehouse material. some days, it feels like i've seen it all and think there can't possibly be any more shockingly bad clips of wino making a sad fool of herself in public.

and then there are days like today.

this clip of wino givin'er with the band is a classic fall down drunk performance. (hey, we've all been there- i know i've slobbered over a microphone at karaoke or in some blues bar in my youth) i'm not criticizing wino for getting shit-faced if she wants to...but she needs to stop getting on stage in this state when everything she does is captured on camera! this is just madness. the last minute is sheer torture, it is cringe-worthy.

after watching the previous all my loving clip, this one makes me want to cry. get some help wino! listen to russell and go to rehab!

WTF wino: winemouse, 2008

sure, this video is old news. but who can resist the charms of dirty fingered doherty&wino making baby mice speak? the quotes are priceless:

"he looks like johnny borrell just out of the bath!"

"this is the dawning...of a newwwwww mouse life!"

"daddy! daddy!"

and of course, the classic "message for blaaake":

"blaaake, please don't divorce mummy...she loves you ever so...if you divorce her, you'll have me to deal with. i'm only a day old, i don't know what i'm doing, but i know what love is."

this is the wino that haunts the nightmares of the brits. cree-py!

WTF wino: rock in rio lisbon, 2008

watching this performance makes me feel icky and wrong. wino was obviously wasted, her voice completely shot (hey, it happens to the best of singers, but man!). she minced, tripped and staggered around the stage, forgetting lyrics and clutching "throat sweets". the entire set was hideously disturbing, like the sight of some crack-addicted crone entertaining herself on a street corner.

although, considering the lyrics to rehab, it could one day be named as a post-modern masterpiece. in the wake up alone clip, she falls over and drops the microphone @ 1:58...then covers up her embarrassment with false *drunk* bravado. and then, during love is a losing game, she sobs through the entire song.

never mind rock and roll...this is performance art!

all kidding aside, it is sad to see such a talented artist become a parody of herself before the age of 25.