i told you i was trouble...

isn't she precious? wino is up to her old tricks again. last night, she punched fans who stupidly try to touch her or take cell phone pics, attempted to escape from her own entourage and bought strange, random items from convenience stores.

amy was attending a fundraiser for the hawley arms pub, a favourite haunt of hers that was damaged in the camden fire earlier this year. she dressed up for the occasion, smearing herself with fake tanner and donning her classic ballet pumps.

i feel a bit sorry for the fan who reached out to touch her arm and ask how she was (see the video here), but at this same time, she should know better! if i were anywhere near wino i would take 5 steps back and adopt a fencing stance.

seriouly though, our heroine needs to get off the booze and hard drugs and start smoking weed again. at least she'd be less crabby and might eat something once in awhile. sheesh.

CAMDEN'S WILD CHILD

ON THE ATTACK

abbey road

once upon a time, monks were hidden away from the outside world. today, they are rock stars who keep laptops in their cells. i bet they sew little pockets into their robes so they can carry their cell phones and ipods around the monastery.

anyway, the Cistercian Monks of Stift Heiligenkreuz want to save our girl wino. brother Johannes Paul Chavanne said this:

"For 10 minutes I liked [Back to Black, Winehouse's 2006 album]...But when I read the lyrics I thought it was sad. I would like to invite her here - I feel sympathetic to people like her. She could stay a week or two and discuss the big questions of life - faith might be an answer for her."

these monks are hardcore, man. they start their "praying and working" at 5:15 am and go until 8 pm. there's no way a monk could drag wino out of bed at 5 am! that beehive doesn't rise from the pillow before noon without a cigarette, irish coffee and 10 advils.

i met a buddhist monk once- he was really cool. he didn't speak a word of english, but we went to an art gallery together and "discussed" art. he even gave me a korean name, "soo yun" (waterlily). i wish i could have asked him the real burning question: "do monks wear underwear under those robes?"

MONK ROCK

WTF wino: winemouse, 2008

sure, this video is old news. but who can resist the charms of dirty fingered doherty&wino making baby mice speak? the quotes are priceless:

"he looks like johnny borrell just out of the bath!"

"this is the dawning...of a newwwwww mouse life!"

"daddy! daddy!"

and of course, the classic "message for blaaake":

"blaaake, please don't divorce mummy...she loves you ever so...if you divorce her, you'll have me to deal with. i'm only a day old, i don't know what i'm doing, but i know what love is."

this is the wino that haunts the nightmares of the brits. cree-py!

well done wino: love is a losing game, 2006

i'm always blown away by this performance. vocally it's stunning (even better than the original) and the emotion she puts into the song is spellbinding. it's especially touching when she asks, "was that all right?" at the end of the song.

was that all right? it was bloody genius, amy!

nightmare on wino street

well here's an obvious news item: winehouse gives people nightmares! no!

a travelodge survey of 3,500 brits compiled a list of celebrity freddy kruegers. here's the top ten:

Amy Winehouse
Marilyn Manson
Gordon Brown
Pete Doherty
The Cheeky Girls
Simon Cowell/Kerry Katona
Cherie Blair
Jodie Marsh
Heather Mills
Alistair Darling

i would think heather mills would be higher up on that list. *shudder* can you imagine a nightmare starring ALL these weirdos? i'd never sleep again!

WINO GIVES BRITS NIGHTMARES

tuesday sorbet: ROMOLA GARAI

contrary to popular belief, i'm not a total grouch. i may loathe duffy (who has also complained about being compared to leona lewis...jesus god man that girl is annoying) but i am not against all blonde brits. i am proving my faith in british blondes by featuring the chameleon-esque actress romola garai as today's sorbet.

you have most likely seen her as grown up briony in "atonement" or as amelia sedley in "vanity fair". i loved her in both movies- she just has a way of pulling your heart strings without speaking a word. i cry everytime i see that scene in vanity fair when her son snobbishly rejects the peasant shirts she makes for him ("silly old mama!"). i also love the scene when she is reunited with her beloved piano after her family loses all their money.

we'll all pretend "dirty dancing 2: havana nights" is not on her resume...

ROMOLA: ON A ROLL

CLIP FROM VANITY FAIR w/ RHYS IFANS

my bond is better than your bond

wino is vexed about not singing the bond theme. here's what our heroine said about the bond producers:

"I do think they could have waited a bit. If they want a worldwide hit I have them all up here (pointing to her beehive)...I guess they are going for clean-cut and boring. When I do release mine – and I am tempted to do it on the same day – this would be the bigger hit."

i've never understood the fascination with 007. he's a spy, he wears a tux, whoop-dee-doo. now, if they had cast clive owen as bond, i might be more tempted to sit through all the "where is the microfiche" silliness. god bless clive!

GET A LOAD OF MY BOND

STFU duffy!

i was willing to give the other soul singin british white girl, aimee duffy, a chance. screw that! once i heard her rehab ripoff it was game over. duffy's MERCY is like a musak version of rehab written for a tampon commercial. ugh. i'm really developing a pet hatred for this tartlet after reading quotes like this:

"It makes me mad that people keep comparing me to Amy Winehouse and Dusty Springfield...It's just labelling me as something else, without any respect for the struggle, the determination, focus or artistic vision that I have....It's like, 'Whoa, what's that about? Why would I want to be someone else?' Because I really don't. I just want to be me. It's kind of strange and disheartening to be constantly told who I look like, or who I sound like."

what's she moaning about? duffy's "artistic vision" is nothing more than stealing rehab's "no no no" riff and changing it to "yeah yeah yeah". she should be grateful wino gave her such a good idea! i bet her next ballad will be called "love is a winning game".

as for the dusty comment, the woman is a *legend* and deserves more respect.

thought that was barf-inducing? read on! in the next breath she contradicts herself, saying she DOES like to be compared to other artists:

"You do get some people who hit slightly closer to where I'm coming from. I got compared to Diana Ross the other day, which was a real compliment...And someone also wrote that I was the female Otis Redding, which really made me feel good because he's a hero of mine."

diana ross!? otis redding!? #(^!@&#^%&%$^!!!!!

tell me duffy has no resemblence to dusty springfield!!! watch this clip!!! judge on, judgersons!


DUFFY WHINES

auld lang wine

mark your calenders! blaaake could be out of jail in time for new year! georgette fielder-civil says:

"We’re hoping that his probation officer will advise him to stay with us. If he’s linked with drugs on his weekend visit he will lose the right to come out early...He will be released on December 30 if he’s a good boy. I’ve told him to keep his head down.”

stay with mum and step-dad? no way! wino will wrap her tattooed arms around blaaake's skinny torso and drag him everywhere she goes. blaaake will be transported from one clinch to another!

BLAAAKE OUT BY NEW YEAR

it's alive

i am skipping "wino week" due to the lack of winehouse related news. it's been boring in camden these days.

how am i supposed to keep a blog going when wino behaves herself? it's been two weeks since our heroine has been spotted in public- nearly a lifetime!

is she wearing a red bra, buying crisps and jumping into a moving convertible at 3 am? nooo...she's going to the studio in broad daylight.

*yawn!*

think of your fans, wino! we need a fix of your brand of crazy!

AMY LEAVES HER FLAT

wino: the video game

artwork courtesy of alexhughescartoons.co.uk

looking for a way to waste time at work? if you're like me, you've already conquered sushi go round and kindergarten on miniclip games.

now, my pretties, the wait is over-you too can be wino! try out this hilarious little webgame...our cartoon heroine battles superheroes by throwing needles, punchy punching and using her patented beehive attack. help amy save her blaaake from jail!

i think my fave quote has to be, "owh, blimey, my 'ead 'uuuuurts!"

ESCAPE FROM REHAB GAME

WTF wino: rock in rio lisbon, 2008

watching this performance makes me feel icky and wrong. wino was obviously wasted, her voice completely shot (hey, it happens to the best of singers, but man!). she minced, tripped and staggered around the stage, forgetting lyrics and clutching "throat sweets". the entire set was hideously disturbing, like the sight of some crack-addicted crone entertaining herself on a street corner.

although, considering the lyrics to rehab, it could one day be named as a post-modern masterpiece. in the wake up alone clip, she falls over and drops the microphone @ 1:58...then covers up her embarrassment with false *drunk* bravado. and then, during love is a losing game, she sobs through the entire song.

never mind rock and roll...this is performance art!

all kidding aside, it is sad to see such a talented artist become a parody of herself before the age of 25.

well done wino: addicted, glastonbury 2008

ok, so wino's set at glasonbury 2008 ended with some punchy punchy and vocals akin to a strangled cat. however, one can't deny the opening number was pretty darned great. the last verse in particular is quite fine.

what really happened?

this documentary, "what really happened?", makes for really good viewing. it's shocking to see the early footage of wino, plump and powerful, contrasted against her recent state. the interviews with blaaake's father, mitch and the people who knew her as a teenager are fascinating, as is the sound of her voice as she sings for a room of record company execs at age 17.

what a waste, o the humanity.

PART 1 ~ PART 2 ~ PART 3 ~ PART 4 ~ PART 5

tuesday sorbet: RUSSELL BRAND

wino isn't the only brit with a 'barnet'...today's sorbet honours the genius of russell brand, an actor/comedian/author/tv host/radio personality who will take over north america- MARK MY WORDS. he's wicked famous in the UK, known for his tabloid antics (THE SUN named him "shagger of the year" two years running) sartorial excellence and quaint yet precise victorian vocabulary.

keep your eye out for russell hosting the MTV video awards in september- it's sure to be history in the making!

to experience brand at his best, before he becomes trendy and over-exposed, i suggest the following youtube clips:

to revel in brand's command of language:
RUSSELL'S TAMARA BECKWITH/TABLOID STORY

to laugh over something dirty and uncomfortable:
RUSSELL DISCUSSES INTERNET PORN & "SEAGULLING"

to see why the americans will love ol' russ:
RUSSELL FLIRTS WITH LENO part 1 & part 2

RUSSELL FLIRTS WITH CONAN

to understand the man behind the myth:
DAWN FRENCH INTERVIEWS RUSSELL part 1

the mitch show

finally! mitch's birthday candle wishes have come true! bbc has recognized senior winehouse's brilliant media manipulation and has lined him up as a guest host on bbc1 radio. i'm feeling lazy today so here's the article with the link below:

WINEHOUSE'S DAD TO HOST BBC SHOW

The cab driver is one of a number of guest presenters signed up by the station to co-host the mid-afternoon slot while Danny Baker goes on holiday.

Also lined up are Apprentice contestant Lucinda Ledgerwood, actor Phil Daniels and singer Katie Melua.

Since his daughter's behaviour became the focus of media attention, Mr Winehouse, 57, has increasingly been on hand to explain her actions.

"Mitch has been a regular contributor to BBC London, calling into our phone-in shows, " said the station's assistant editor Justin Kings.

"He always has something worthwhile to say and a good sense of humour.

"Although Mitch's life is extraordinary because of Amy, he's still a London dad and I think our listeners can relate to him in that way, " Mr Kings added.

In a recent interview with BBC Radio 1 Newsbeat Mr Winehouse said that he had come to accept being in the media spotlight.

"I question my own motives sometimes," he said. "Maybe I like the limelight a bit too much."

Mr Winehouse and the other guest presenters will take turns co-hosting the 1500 to 1700 slot with DJ Gary Crowley between 18 August and 12 September.

MAYBE he likes the limelight a bit too much? i wonder how long it will take for mitch and amy to do an album of jazz standard duets. i can just imagine mitch working out the orchestrations in his mind whilst driving around London. speaking of which, wouldn't it be great to have mitch wino as your cabbie? i bet if you tip him well, he'll sing a verse or two of "rehab".

BBC HIRES MITCH WINO

now that's a spicy meat-a-ball...

between trips to the hospital and punching grates, wino has managed to write a few ditties...no, not about blaaake keeping his dick wet, but sunday afternoon chefery! behold the leaked lyrics to wino's unnamed track:

"I can cook, chicken soup, meatballs, a good chicken - jerk and fried."

a source says,

"She's working on one track which talks about her upbringing as a Jewish girl. The song brings her back to happier days when she didn't have a care in the world...It's only in its early stages, but Amy is really excited about getting back to what she does best - making great music. The lyrical content is a little off the wall. But Amy writes about what's on her mind - and she goes all out."

here's hoping for a track about her slushie machine and another waxing poetic over hospital bed KFC!

WINO IS COOKIN'

wino week july 28-aug 3: opinions on wino

when it comes to wino, everyone has an opinion. here's a selection of what celebrities had to say this week:

BRIGITTE NIELSEN:

"The Red Sonja star believes Winehouse, 24, who has been hospitalised several times recently, is ready to self destruct...Nielsen accused the songbird, who is reportedly showing signs of the lung disease Emphysema, of throwing her career and life away with substance abuse. She said: 'I get so sad when I see people like Amy Winehouse destroying themselves. They should get help before it kills them - like I did.'"

SARAH HARDING of GIRLS ALOUD:

“I can’t wait to get out of Camden. I just hate being back there now. It brings back so many unhappy memories...It could do Amy good to get out of there and get a fresh start and perspective...Bless her. I love Amy. She’s a good girl. I’ll look out for her. But I’m sure she’ll be fine.”

JOHN LYDON:

"Poor old Amy. Aimless Winehouse would be a better term. I love all kinds of music but the one thing I have never done is imitate black music in her idiotic way...There's not a single word that means anything. It's not like these songs are deeply moving or inspirational or cultural in any way you could find useful...And the cover up for her which is probably the guilt trip is that she requires vast amounts of drugs to hide the fact that she is fake."

i have nothing against flava flav's ex or the girl's aloud chick, but johnny rotten...puhleez! was he not in a band with sid vicious, a bass player so bad he was overdubbed in the studio!? sid vicious was the quintessential junkie fake and i'm sure lydon doesn't refuse the royalty cheques he receives due to sid's enduring popularity.

who'll be next to express their wino opinion? let's hope it's a varied and exotic list, including the likes of MR. T, little richard, donald trump, charo, elton john, barbra streisand and ru paul.

le freak, so chic

it's hard inside for a pimp. blaaake will be transferred to a jail in suffolk at his request.

THE SUN reports:

"Blake recently tore down pictures of Amy from his cell walls. And warders feared he might top himself after he burst into floods of tears and screamed: “Why me?”...He has been having counselling from Samaritans but begged staff to move him from Pentonville because he felt suicidal. "

ooo, a good old fashioned jail cell freakout. now that's rock n roll!

psychologists should add "giving up mopping" to their list of early indicators of a breakdown. i apologize for having mocked in a previous post the pentonville prison source/genius. next time i visit someone i love and they have a dirty kitchen floor, i will ask some gentle questions.

wino is apparently searching for a flat to be closer to blaaake. i'm sure her new small town neighbours are going to just love the circus.

AMY SEARCHES FOR SMALL TOWN FLAT

hey...mister spaceman...

wino's fame is not only worldwide- it is intergalactic!

recent UFO sightings in the uk have created something magical...the shape of amy's head!

a spokesman for betting analysts Blue Square, who are now taking bets on where the next sighting will be, said:

"At first it seemed to be a co-incidence, but after newspapers revealed that the Camden starlet's Grandma had already spoken to Amy from the grave and told her to clear up her act, speculation has increased that this could be an extra-terrestrial intervention."

an ET intervention!? like aliens have any interest in wino! if they're going to communicate with a british rock star, it would be david bowie! starman! ziggy stardust! space oddity! come on!

click on the link to see the alien sighting co-ordinates and to read more on this ridiculousness:

ALIEN PROBE FOR SPACED-OUT WINEHOUSE