blaaake is free!

ahhh! i knew all this good news couldn't last! it seems our favourite crap husband, blake fielder-civil, is now a free man! according to the telegraph, blaaake is now in rehab. amy is reported to be at her camden home (as pictured above).

shit. things were going so well! obama is the new pres, winehouse's record label boss called her demos "sensational", and now this!? i really hope that blaaake has a healing effect on our heroine. she deserves it!

btw don't her ballet slippers gleam?

BLAAAKE RELEASED

pas de rehab

yesterday, the rumour was wino went to rehab. today, mitch's words are vindicated, as she actually IS in hospital for a chest infection. her spokesperson says:

“Amy is in hospital being checked out with for a chest infection. She is not back in rehab...She should be fine and is expected to return home soon.”

i haven't had coffee yet, so i'm not so witty in the brainbox. i'll just issue a standard, "get well amy!!!"

WINO IN HOSPITAL

rehab redux

this is starting to get old. in order to avoid being arrested for punching some dancer at the end of summer ball, wino has headed to yet another stint in rehab, this time in the harley street clinic. as usual, mitch has opened his big mouth to tell us all that his daughter is suffering from a "chest infection". more details to follow, i am sure!


WINO ESCAPES ARREST BY GOING TO REHAB

...just like brian wilson did...

our heroine has finally said "screw you world" and taken to her bed. aw, poor girl. she missed her DJ set at the monarch pub last thursday night, saying she was bedridden. a source says:

"She's always showed up when she's been down to play here before, but apparently tonight she can't get out of bed. She's been looking so thin and haggard lately, it's a real worry."

in other depressing wino news, it has been rumoured that she has completely stopped working on her third album because she hasn't written any worthwhile songs. le sigh.

ALBUM #3 ON HOLD

WINO LIES IN BED

wino be jammin'

be prepared for your eyes, ears and subconscious mind to be assaulted. this youtube clip has been online for a few months but is picking up steam, having appeared lately on a few blogs (including perez hilton). it features wino jamming in her studio with a family of leeches, um, i mean some friends.

there are so many disturbing elements to this clip: wino's distended stomach, the glee in the voices of the hangers-on as they start the tape, the lonely xylophone guy...it's like a freaky post-modern german horror film with a really bad soundtrack. watch and judge, my pretties, but only if you're in a strong state of mind. if you're feeling even remotely fragile, this will send you directly to bed for a nap.

candy darling

i'm a few days late on reporting the "coke-and-candy-floss" story, which i will blame on two turkeys and a lasagna. here it is, from gigwise, and i 'believe this is verbatim...':

Amy Winehouse has reportedly thought up a brand spanking new way of taking cocaine – mixing it with candyfloss.

The 25-year-old singer was apparently spurred on by Babyshambles' lead guitarist Mick Whitnall after she bought a candyfloss machine for £700.

According to the News of the World, Wino loves the concoction so much that and has even held 'Coke and Candy' parties at her house.

A 'pal' said: “It was Mik’s idea. The candyfloss machine was Amy’s pride and joy and he thought it would be funny to give it a boost...He and some pals sprinkled a wrap of coke into the mixture and Amy started eating it before she realised what they’d done. She now thinks it’s a hoot to do the same.”

yegads! i thought vodka pops were decadent!

knives out

when a rock star compares their own destiny to that of sid vicious, it's only a matter of time before something really bad happens. it is alleged that amy held a knife to her chest in a desperate cry for help, saying "What is the point of living?". a friend revealed:

“Amy said she was ‘caught up in a nightmare’...Her friends managed to get the knife away from her but are now holding a 24-hour watch on her...Amy has a death wish. Her emotions are exaggerated. She is either high as a kite or, when she hears something she doesn't like, she's suicidal...She is all for this stupid Sid Vicious notion of dying young. She is not scared of it and believes it is her destiny."

man, this is depressing stuff for a monday morning. i've got a miserable cold at the moment and thought i felt rotten enough- now after reading today's winehouse headlines i'm wiped right out. when the fuzz in my head clears, perhaps i will have some witticisms to impart. but for now i'll leave you with wino's funeral themed video for "back to black". it seems appropriate.



WINO: "CAUGHT IN A NIGHTMARE"

alien amy

i'm a little nervous posting about scientology- they, like all organized churches, give me the heebs something fierce. scientology isn't much different from any other church who preys on the weak to boost their numbers. the christians pray to a big man in the sky, the scientologists believe in aliens. they both ask for money...same room, different colour, isn't it?

anyway, it has been reported that the church of scientology has contacted our heroine. a source says:

“She had a call from the celebrity branch of the Church Of Scientology. She thinks they got her number through one of the American music producers who worked on her Back to Black album...They told her they wanted to help her beat drugs and could tailor-make a programme so she wouldn’t have to go to a residential centre. She liked that idea because her husband Blake is out of prison soon and wouldn’t want to be away from him when he’s finally freed.”

drying out with the help of scientology is a lot of work. first, the addict is given vitamin cocktails (mmm cocktails!). next, they are given a series of saunas and put on a "detox diet". finally, they have to work through self-help books. if wino did go through it, imagine how much those workbooks would be worth in the future!

TOM CRUISE WANTS WINO

"i can't believe what has happened to me. i am so sad"

more disturbing details on wino's "end of summer" fiasco have emerged. someone needs to sit her down and make her watch "the rose", "la vie en rose" and "lady sings the blues" on continuous loop until a lightbulb goes off in her head.

wino had dionne bromfield, her 12 year old god daughter, replace her at this big-assed gig because she couldn't face performing. she joined dionne on stage, uttering a few grunts resembling backups and clutching her god-awful shorts. then, amy skulked across the stage bellowing, "This is Dionne, everyone, Dionne. Remember this f****** name, you don’t f****** know.” after only a few songs, wino became so emotional she dragged the girl off before it was over! weeping backstage and clutching dionne in her scraggly arms, she made the following statements to journalists;

“I was more nervous about the gig than Dionne. I couldn’t even leave the house without her.It was so emotional being on stage with her...I got so upset I started crying and had to drag her off...I love her. She’s f****** amazing.”

“When I look at Dionne she reminds me of myself. I used to be this little girl who liked Celine Dion and singing, this beautiful sweet girl with innocent dreams...Look where I am now. Look what happened to my dreams. This isn’t a life – I’m a mess, look at me...But this girl has everything ahead of her. She’s so beautiful and she reminds me so much of myself...This beautiful happy girl, she is so much like I used to be. I don’t want to leave her alone. I can’t believe what has happened to me. I am so sad.”

wino listened to celine dion? ew! she then made the obligatory reference to her blaaake;

“Dionne doesn’t have a boyfriend, she doesn't have a Blake to mess her up. She’s sweet and should stay like that...What life do I have? My life begins when Blake gets out of prison. He is my life, I want to see him.”

and so it went. now, our heroine's friends are so concerned they are setting up camp camden. a source says;

“No one wants to leave Amy on her own — she’s in a very fragile state at the moment...Her most loyal friends are terrified she is going to do something which she can’t overcome...She’s been to hell and back already but some fear she’s going to get worse before she gets better."

am i stating the obvious when i say ROCK N ROLL INTERVENTION? get bowie, jagger, iggy pop, dave gahan, courteney love, clapton, david crosby and ozzy together and storm that apartment!

WINO: "I AM SO SAD"

24 HOUR PARTY PEOPLE

sweet reunion, jamaica and spain, we're like how we were again...

winehousewatchers, hold on to your macs and hats: it looks like sid's about to be reunited with her nancy!! blaaake is getting out of jail early! he's finally agreed to the conditions of living with mom, wearing an electronic tag and keeping to a 7pm curfew. blaaake's master plan is to take a daily cab to and from georgette's house 280 miles from camden, costing approx. £894.40. he might as well buy himself a private jet for that kind of cash- a week of trips would cost £6,260.80, almost $13,000 US dollars.

a source says:

“Amy is obviously chuffed. But more surprisingly, even her family and friends are pleased...Because Blake will have to lead this disciplined life to keep in line with his conditions of release they are hoping it will rub off on her too...He has to be back at his mum’s every evening — and he’s so jealous and controlling he won’t want her up to no good without him.”

what!? sheeya, right! the winehouses must be the most naive group of people in london. blaaake will kiss his wife hello and within seconds he'll be high off her fumes.

"Amy has had so many letdowns over the past few months. One minute she’s told he is coming out, then he’s not...Once he’s out he had better behave. A single breach of his curfew could have him whisked back into prison.”

i can see it now. georgette will nag him to clean his room and pick up his towels. wino will drive him mental with her shenanigans. he'll be so exhausted dealing with two crazy women he'll miss his curfew on purpose to return to his jail cell for some peace, quiet and good drugs.

HE WANTS TO BLAAAKE FREE!

"life can't go on, i can't do this"

all right. this is enough now! wino crawled out from under a camden rock to make an appearance at london's end of the summer ball, purportedly to support her 12 year old god-daughter's singing debut. as usual, it became the "omg look at what a mess wino is" show. wino pulled focus, hugged and squeezed dionne while she was trying to sing. a source says:

"It was tragic — she seemed totally wasted. She was jumping all over Dionne as the poor girl tried to sing for the crowd. Amy didn’t really sing a single note — it sounded more like she was grunting down the mic...Amy was then asked to pose for the event’s official photographer, but flipped and tried to headbutt him. She looked like a woman possessed."

backstage, wino had a meltdown, bursting into tears and saying, "Life can't go on, I can't do this." she later arrived home dishevelled, grasping at her loose beehive and wearing only one ballet flat.



WINO SOBS "LIFE CAN'T GO ON, I CAN'T DO THIS"

vomit comet

ok. there is a line that we as humans agree not to cross. that line is imposing our bodily fluids on strangers.

wino, our dear, misguided heroine, has crossed that line. Employees at Harvey Nichols were disgusted to find amy had returned 25,000 pounds of clothing caked in vomit.

an insider says:

“Unfortunately, while wearing one of the frocks, she went on an all-night bender...She ended up in the loos, where she was violently sick. Let’s just say it wasn’t pretty...She eventually couriered them back on Monday, but didn’t wrap them separately. So sick had gone on all the clothes...Even worse, green, furry mould had developed on some gowns, making them unwearable...The store publicists weren’t best pleased. They send stuff out to celebs all the time, but it never gets into such a state...I doubt Amy will be sent any more designer gear for a while and the store has now asked for its £25k back."

*sigh* i'm at a loss for words, my darlings. how can someone who wrote something as divine as "wake up alone" be so disgusting? this is the sign of a person who no longer gives a shit.

WINO PUKES ON DESIGNER CLOTHES

jailhouse crack rock

if the residents of camden hear tortured howls of "blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaake!" ringing through the air tonight, they can blame everyone's favourite crap husband, blake fielder-civil. edmund's hill prison's offer of early release on the condition of entering rehab has been refused, demonstrating blaaake's firm commitment to wino's anthem.

a source says:

"This will be another blow for her. Blake could have gone to rehab and sorted himself out but would rather see out his sentence in prison...All he wants is a free reign when he leaves, which means living with Amy back in Camden...But if he is turning down these chances to leave jail and get clean, it doesn’t bode well for him and Amy when he finally does get out."

blaaake is so stupid. he could have gotten out of jail, paid lip service to rehab and be back in amy's scraggly arms before the leaves fall. together, they could have happily huffed fake snow whilst decorating their crack den in homemade tinfoil ornaments.

BLAAAKE REFUSES RELEASE ONCE AGAIN

wino's next album: chinese democracy?

eeeekkk!!! i was attempting to find pics of wino in the studio and THIS is what kept coming up...wino in the woods! i post it to remind us all to say no to hard drugs. next time you're at a party and some "U4-ia" (sly vintage 90210 reference, nudge nudge) is offered, think of wino and just say no. smoke a little green, drink a bottle of red wine, smoke a pack of camels; you'll feel shitty the next day, but you won't be wino'ed.

nonetheless, i've neglected winehousewatch in recent days; there's been very little news and quite frankly, i don't want to waste your time with too much nonsense. however, after reading that our heroine has produced only two unfinished tracks after 6 months in the studio, i am vexed.

a source says:

"With all the problems surrounding her personal issues and addictions we are really concerned it will never get finished. If six months produces two half-baked tracks how long will an album take?...Unless she sorts herself out and gets some focus it might never happen."

is wino destined to be like axel rose, working tirelessly at an album that will never see the light of day? worst of all, will 'frank' and 'back to black' be the only winehouse albums we the public will ever know? no! it would be tragic!

WINO'S "CHINESE DEMOCRACY"

wake up alone

wino's beehive will be her new year's eve date after all. blaaake has failed a random jailhouse drug test and will be spending an extra 28 days inside.

amy is reported to be "heartbroken".

BLAAAKE STAYS IN JAIL

i can't help you, if you won't...help yourself...

last night, our heroine arrived 2 hours late to her DJ set at the monarch pub looking like a dog's breakfast. she left the club at 3 30 am, wobbling and stumbling into the street until friends urged her into a cab. a source reports:

"The pub was packed at first, until people started to get restless. Many decided to leave before Amy arrived, which left the pub looking quite empty...She didn't greet the crowd when she finally appeared. After playing two songs, she mumbled into the mic, 'thanks for coming down, much obliged'"

i've found a plethora of frightening pics from wino's night out. jesus god man, she looks terrible. thanks to dlisted and the sun for the shots.


RAVAGED WINO

scooby-duvet-doo

wino partied like it's 1999 after her bestival gig (with 48 bottles of jack on the rider), so much so the wellington hotel kicked her out. the hotel claims that wino did 5,000 pounds worth of damage by burning furniture with cigarette butts and covering carpets with booze.

a source said:

"Amy was a total mess. She couldn’t manage to walk to the car so they had to wrap her in a duvet."

ew! i don't even want to imagine the state of that duvet- i pity the person in her entourage who had to shove it into an itty-bitty british laundry machine.

WINO WRECKS HOTEL ROOM

48 bottles of jack on the rider...

wino has requested a staggering 48 bottles of jack daniels for her bestival gig.

a source tells the sun:

"...It’s common for artists to make requests for food and beverages before they arrive. ...But organisers have heard Miss Winehouse has ordered in an extremely large amount of Jack Daniel’s, in fact, a ridiculous amount that she and her team could not possibly consume during their short stay...Everyone is really excited about getting Amy to perform here, and naturally there are now fears she is planning something wild..."

am i evil to rub my hands with glee in anticipation over the youtube clips in my future?

BACK TO JACK

wino no show pisses off the French

the French are not amused by wino's no-show. bbc reports:

The organisers of a French music concert are threatening legal action after headliner Amy Winehouse pulled out on Friday with just hours to go.

Rock En Seine said there was "no explanation of the exact reasons for her absence...We are very sorry about this situation and share the disappointment of the festival-goers.".

no matter the reality behind why wino cancelled, it really comes down to one thing: she was unable to perform. hungover, menstrual, too high, sore throat, depressed, sick of everything- we've all had our days when we just curl up in bed and say "screw it". however, when you or i call in sick to work, there aren't thousands of people disappointed by our day of slack.

i wonder what wino's favourite "sick day" movie is? mine is bridget jones' diary. what's yours?

FRENCH THREATEN TO SUE WINO

she be illin'

amy has cancelled her "rock en seine" gig due to illness. her publicist said:

"Amy Winehouse was regrettably unable to perform at the Rock En Seine show in Paris tonight, Friday August 29th, due to illness. She was taken ill at her house and wasn't able to travel to France for the concert."

i'm always suspicious when someone is described as "ill". it's so general- if she had a cold and her voice was affected, they'd say so. i hope for her sake she just had bad cramps and wanted to stay home and is not on the brink of hospitalization. get better amy!

WINO CANCELS PARIS SHOW