wino's intercom interview

our heroine has not been seen in public since the "end of summer" fiasco, but she did give an impromptu interview to some ballsy french woman through her camden intercom. there was talk of blaaake, bien sur, but nothing revelatory.

my favourite part of the interview is this exchange:

frenchie: "what can i wish for you amy?"

amy: "huh?"

frenchie: "what can we wish you for the future?"

amy: "don't worry about me, worry about yourselves and promise me you'll buy my album"

wino be jammin'

be prepared for your eyes, ears and subconscious mind to be assaulted. this youtube clip has been online for a few months but is picking up steam, having appeared lately on a few blogs (including perez hilton). it features wino jamming in her studio with a family of leeches, um, i mean some friends.

there are so many disturbing elements to this clip: wino's distended stomach, the glee in the voices of the hangers-on as they start the tape, the lonely xylophone guy...it's like a freaky post-modern german horror film with a really bad soundtrack. watch and judge, my pretties, but only if you're in a strong state of mind. if you're feeling even remotely fragile, this will send you directly to bed for a nap.

candy darling

i'm a few days late on reporting the "coke-and-candy-floss" story, which i will blame on two turkeys and a lasagna. here it is, from gigwise, and i 'believe this is verbatim...':

Amy Winehouse has reportedly thought up a brand spanking new way of taking cocaine – mixing it with candyfloss.

The 25-year-old singer was apparently spurred on by Babyshambles' lead guitarist Mick Whitnall after she bought a candyfloss machine for £700.

According to the News of the World, Wino loves the concoction so much that and has even held 'Coke and Candy' parties at her house.

A 'pal' said: “It was Mik’s idea. The candyfloss machine was Amy’s pride and joy and he thought it would be funny to give it a boost...He and some pals sprinkled a wrap of coke into the mixture and Amy started eating it before she realised what they’d done. She now thinks it’s a hoot to do the same.”

yegads! i thought vodka pops were decadent!

alien amy

i'm a little nervous posting about scientology- they, like all organized churches, give me the heebs something fierce. scientology isn't much different from any other church who preys on the weak to boost their numbers. the christians pray to a big man in the sky, the scientologists believe in aliens. they both ask for money...same room, different colour, isn't it?

anyway, it has been reported that the church of scientology has contacted our heroine. a source says:

“She had a call from the celebrity branch of the Church Of Scientology. She thinks they got her number through one of the American music producers who worked on her Back to Black album...They told her they wanted to help her beat drugs and could tailor-make a programme so she wouldn’t have to go to a residential centre. She liked that idea because her husband Blake is out of prison soon and wouldn’t want to be away from him when he’s finally freed.”

drying out with the help of scientology is a lot of work. first, the addict is given vitamin cocktails (mmm cocktails!). next, they are given a series of saunas and put on a "detox diet". finally, they have to work through self-help books. if wino did go through it, imagine how much those workbooks would be worth in the future!

TOM CRUISE WANTS WINO

naked jail blaaake

waking up this morning to the sun's article about wino posting a naked shot of blaaake online was a bigger jolt than a quadruple espresso. you can also read about it on dlisted, which might make you spit out any morning beverage.

but that's not all in blaaake news! it gets better! apparently mr. fielder-civil has chosen to STAY IN JAIL rather than be released with conditions including staying at his mom georgette's house, following a 7pm curfew and wearing an electronic tag. officials were all ready to release him today but he is much happier in his cell. a source said:

"It was all set for him to be released, but he refused to go to anywhere other than Camden...He doesn’t want to go somewhere where he can’t be reunited with Amy and his friends. He’d rather stay inside."

just yesterday they said he failed a drug test. today they were ready to release him but he said, "no no no". something is not right here...does this mean the media sometimes, um, LIES!?

BLAAAKE PREFERS JAIL TO MOM'S HOUSE

Nam Myoho Renge Kyo

wino has taken up buddhist chanting!

a friend (who are these so-called friends!?) said:

"One of her musician friends introduced Amy to Buddhist chanting. She chants for ten minutes in the mornings and just before she sleeps. Amy has also been watching the interview clip with Tina Turner chanting on YouTube and she reckons it's already affecting her in a positive way. She has a string of Buddhist beads that she chants with, which she keeps in a red silk scarf. She says chanting is filling her life with positivity while she is trying to sort herself out"

try replacing "i go back to black" or "some unholy war" with "nam myoho renge kyo". whee!

WINO CHANTS

i can be very cruel...i have been taught by masters

what is up with all these "polls"? it seems like there's a poll for everything and our heroine is topping a lot of lists these days!

winehouse has been voted "worst hotel guest" and "worst celebrity skin". worst hotel guest is a dubious yet kind of funny rockNroll title, but worst skin is really insulting. yes, her skin is bad. yes, the drugs have obviously wreaked havoc; but is it necessary to shove it in her scabby face? wino, no matter how messed up she is, remains a human being. her feelings i am sure are hurt by the hateful things people say.

i know i joke around on this blog, but i really try not to descend into cruelty. when it comes down to it, i love the winehouse and admire her incredible talent. let's collectively wish her the best, shall we?

WINO'S WORSTS

tee hee

comedian zoe lyons won the prize for best joke at the edinburgh festival fringe with a one-liner aimed at wino. i gotta say it's witty!

"I can't believe Amy Winehouse self-harms. She's so irritating she must be able to find someone to do it for her."

zoe, upon accepting the award, said;

"I am absolutely delighted to have won the award. I know self-harming is not funny but it's just a joke, so I'm not going to beat myself up about it."

take that, sarah silverman! she'll be pissed she didn't come up with that one!

WINO JOKE VOTED FUNNIEST @ FRINGE

winehouse of oz

rumours continue to swirl about wino's new album. reports have claimed she's writing about meatballs and cooking, but now it seems the inspiration isn't coming from little balls of meat but the classic hollywood film, "the wizard of oz".

a source tells THE SUN:

“She loves the surreal look, sound and score. One of her new songs heavily samples the theme tune...And the soundtrack and score will be a theme running throughout the record...really interesting, if a little bizarre...I suppose that’s what you would expect from her at the moment.”

this will only be a good idea if she skips the munchins and includes the witch's guardsmen chant: "oh ee oh, ooooohhhhh OH!" come to think of it, this sounds like a terrible idea. i'll be interested to see how this comes together- if all the reports are true about the meatballs and oz, this will be one terrifying album. even scarier than bowie's 'one outside', and that shit is scary.

INSPIRED BY OZ

abbey road

once upon a time, monks were hidden away from the outside world. today, they are rock stars who keep laptops in their cells. i bet they sew little pockets into their robes so they can carry their cell phones and ipods around the monastery.

anyway, the Cistercian Monks of Stift Heiligenkreuz want to save our girl wino. brother Johannes Paul Chavanne said this:

"For 10 minutes I liked [Back to Black, Winehouse's 2006 album]...But when I read the lyrics I thought it was sad. I would like to invite her here - I feel sympathetic to people like her. She could stay a week or two and discuss the big questions of life - faith might be an answer for her."

these monks are hardcore, man. they start their "praying and working" at 5:15 am and go until 8 pm. there's no way a monk could drag wino out of bed at 5 am! that beehive doesn't rise from the pillow before noon without a cigarette, irish coffee and 10 advils.

i met a buddhist monk once- he was really cool. he didn't speak a word of english, but we went to an art gallery together and "discussed" art. he even gave me a korean name, "soo yun" (waterlily). i wish i could have asked him the real burning question: "do monks wear underwear under those robes?"

MONK ROCK

WTF wino: winemouse, 2008

sure, this video is old news. but who can resist the charms of dirty fingered doherty&wino making baby mice speak? the quotes are priceless:

"he looks like johnny borrell just out of the bath!"

"this is the dawning...of a newwwwww mouse life!"

"daddy! daddy!"

and of course, the classic "message for blaaake":

"blaaake, please don't divorce mummy...she loves you ever so...if you divorce her, you'll have me to deal with. i'm only a day old, i don't know what i'm doing, but i know what love is."

this is the wino that haunts the nightmares of the brits. cree-py!

nightmare on wino street

well here's an obvious news item: winehouse gives people nightmares! no!

a travelodge survey of 3,500 brits compiled a list of celebrity freddy kruegers. here's the top ten:

Amy Winehouse
Marilyn Manson
Gordon Brown
Pete Doherty
The Cheeky Girls
Simon Cowell/Kerry Katona
Cherie Blair
Jodie Marsh
Heather Mills
Alistair Darling

i would think heather mills would be higher up on that list. *shudder* can you imagine a nightmare starring ALL these weirdos? i'd never sleep again!

WINO GIVES BRITS NIGHTMARES

wino: the video game

artwork courtesy of alexhughescartoons.co.uk

looking for a way to waste time at work? if you're like me, you've already conquered sushi go round and kindergarten on miniclip games.

now, my pretties, the wait is over-you too can be wino! try out this hilarious little webgame...our cartoon heroine battles superheroes by throwing needles, punchy punching and using her patented beehive attack. help amy save her blaaake from jail!

i think my fave quote has to be, "owh, blimey, my 'ead 'uuuuurts!"

ESCAPE FROM REHAB GAME

now that's a spicy meat-a-ball...

between trips to the hospital and punching grates, wino has managed to write a few ditties...no, not about blaaake keeping his dick wet, but sunday afternoon chefery! behold the leaked lyrics to wino's unnamed track:

"I can cook, chicken soup, meatballs, a good chicken - jerk and fried."

a source says,

"She's working on one track which talks about her upbringing as a Jewish girl. The song brings her back to happier days when she didn't have a care in the world...It's only in its early stages, but Amy is really excited about getting back to what she does best - making great music. The lyrical content is a little off the wall. But Amy writes about what's on her mind - and she goes all out."

here's hoping for a track about her slushie machine and another waxing poetic over hospital bed KFC!

WINO IS COOKIN'

hey...mister spaceman...

wino's fame is not only worldwide- it is intergalactic!

recent UFO sightings in the uk have created something magical...the shape of amy's head!

a spokesman for betting analysts Blue Square, who are now taking bets on where the next sighting will be, said:

"At first it seemed to be a co-incidence, but after newspapers revealed that the Camden starlet's Grandma had already spoken to Amy from the grave and told her to clear up her act, speculation has increased that this could be an extra-terrestrial intervention."

an ET intervention!? like aliens have any interest in wino! if they're going to communicate with a british rock star, it would be david bowie! starman! ziggy stardust! space oddity! come on!

click on the link to see the alien sighting co-ordinates and to read more on this ridiculousness:

ALIEN PROBE FOR SPACED-OUT WINEHOUSE

wino week july 21-27th: inanimate amys

winos to the left of me, winos to the right of me...winos before me, made from vegetables! this winehouse sculpture was the winning entry in the "vegetables figure" section of the Lambeth County show in South London. nice eggplant beehive! the below article also outlines wino's friday night out accompanied by vodka, JD, smokes and a scraggly musician (that's our girl!)

AUBERGINE AMY

a wino week without mitch & janis appearing at an event that their daughter doesn't bother to show up to would be incomplete!!

good ol' mitch & janis posed with Madame Tussaud's waxwork in London-gotta give mitch credit for his mobster-esque style. check out the shine on his shoes- and the hold he has on "amy"s wax elbow!

the Daily Mail (i can't help loving that site, it's such good british cheese) ran an unflattering comparison between wax wino and flesh wino:

WAX VS WINO


didn't john cougar mellencamp have a creepy song that went, "blood on the scarecrow, blood on the plow..."? that's the soundtrack in my head each time i read this story about a farmer and his terrifying yet winsome winehouse scarecrow. he is quoted as saying,

"The pigeons are terrified, they're sitting up on the telephone wires too scared to come into the field which is brilliant. Every farmer needs an Amy scarecrow...She's the best scarecrow we've ever had and she's doing a brilliant job. In fact she's doing a better job scaring the birds than she is singing at the moment...I'd be happy to offer her a full time job if she needs one when the singing is over"

SCARECROW AMY SCARES THE BIRDS

wow. there certainly were a lot of false winehouse idols created in the week of july 21-27. is this a subtle hint from the universe that the apocalypse is closer than we think?